I personally would not describe this things I am about to say as me. I just believe this are the biggest things personally that I have gone through to form the me I am today. I am not the past. I am not what has happened to me, but I am what I have learned from these experiences and others, so I thought I would share some of what has formed me to be who i am now.
If you ask me to think of happy moments in my childhood, none of them will include my parents. Growing up I never was close with them and do not possess a desire to be close to them. I think I officially gave up around the end of summer going into freshman year or the first few days of it.
My mother is a hypocritical, lying, scheming, immature, manipulative, play-the-victim person. My dad and I just have different values in life. I don’t know how my parents have made it this far. My dad has vented to me multiple times since I was a young child that the only reason he doesn’t leave her is because he doesn’t want to hand off half a million dollars to my mom in the settlement. My dad values money over everything, even his own happiness.
Both my parents care a lot about what others think of them. I remember a heated argument that took place one day sophomore year where we were going off about something that was blown way out of proportion. The only clip I can still clearly replay today is me screaming “BUT I DON’T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK” and my dad responding louder “YEAH YOU MAKE THAT PRETTY FUCKING OBVIOUS” then he went on to comment on how I should care what others think of me and how I was stupid for not, but I do not remember the exact quote of that part. Most of the memories are easier to block out.
There might be a few memories of happiness I would recall when speaking of my two brothers. Ryan now 28, Tanner only 13. I recall one memory of sitting on my 13 year old older brothers lap as my 2 year olds little fingers dug through a jar of JIF peanut butter while he read me stories. My younger brother and I used to despise each other. I remember we would hit and kick each other and get in huge fights everyday for years straight. It wasn’t until about freshman year when we started to actually like each other. Now as I am 17 and he is 13, we hang out a lot. He always asks if he can come sleep on my floor in my room at night. We go on a lot of drives just to get away from our house. We aimlessly wander as we share stories; my brother and I hold nothing back from each other. Im super grateful for both my brothers and am blessed to havethem.
Basketball, soccer, cross country, track, gymnastics, ballet, dance, softball: you name it, I played it. I have been an athletic kid from the moment I popped out of the womb. Even my first steps I ever took were on the short green grasses of a soccer field. I remember other parents disapproving of my parents leading me this lifestyle. They claimed they were “overworking me” and “putting me under too much at such an age”. After school days I would come home and immediately start my homework, no questions asked. After homework it was straight to the gym to workout. After about a thirty minute break it was off to a field, court, gym, etc. wherever my in season location happened to be. A few hours of practice every day was followed by dinner. Depending on my mothers motivation level, we would either swing by a fast food joint or when we got home my mom would start heating up the oven for some pre-packaged dinner(my mother never was much of a cook or cared much about nutrition). While dinner was being cooked or after we got home from a fast food joint, I would immediately run outside and play with my friends until the sun began to set and the streetlights would turn on. I then would, against my wishes, say goodbye to my friends and trot home. Weekends were filled with 8:00 am games followed by the rest of my day at typically the gym or soccer field.
As time passed I began to realize I put my identity into sports. That was who I was. I realize I would be lost without my athletic recognition by my peers and elders. This was one of the reasons I began to back off from team sports. I still valued fitness and (personally unlike my family) nutrition, but I did not like the fact that I let one thing define me as a person. I didnt like how I wanted to be recognized for my athletics. I wanted to stay humble and quiet in a community that focused on sports
As done every Tuesday, I flip to the DVR and click “select” on ABCs show Castle, from episode one I was hooked. The show launched in the beginning of 2009 and played its last episode in 2016 to wrap up its 8th season. This was not like any other criminal investigative show. This ones female lead, Kate Beckket, inspired me from the way she handled herself, reacted to situations, she was independent, her wits, humor, to her strength, it all left me in awe. I had never really had a role model in my life before, but now, this fictional character was everything my little fourth grade self aspired to be, and still aspires to be. She always had something about her that I could never place my finger on. There was always a fire about her that was constant no matter what situation she was in. She was bold. This was the main reason I first became interested in being a investigative homicide detective.
To this day that still is the plan. Next year I plan on studying criminal justice in college. Since castle I began doing research. Research on serial killers, murderers, and real life cases. I started learning common connections and styles of killing. Easy ways to spot an amateur from an experienced killer. I do not know how the government hasn’t looked more into me with all the research I’ve done on murder and ways to get away with it. Something about murder fascinates me. Even when I was a tiny child sitting in the car playing on my DS, my favorite game, Professor Layton and the Curious Village, surrounding solving puzzles and using creative thinking to solve the mysteries of the town which always had an eerie vibe.
Moving to Indiana, my mom was on the lookout to make new friends. As a result of this she joined a group called “moms club”. Moms club was exactly what it sounds like. A group of moms who sat around talking gossip and bad about other people while their kids played with some outdated toys in the corner. My mom fit in perfect. One of the moms there who was super funny and sweet named Tonia had a daughter just a few months younger than my 5 year old self. Her name was Erica. Erica and I would grow to become the tightest of all friends. I walked to her house every day after school for years on end. We went through so much together. Even though we weren’t in the same grade (me young for my grade and her older), we were never apart. Still as an elementary student I remember sitting in the bed of her dads truck eating her dads what we called “world famous mac n cheese” (even though it was only famous to us) on soft worn blankets and blaring radio disney on the old fashioned radio that sat in the garage.
I can recall the morning of the last day of summer vacation before freshman year. I sat on the counter in the empty home hugging my friend while she cried. We said our goodbyes. I hugged her mom, Tonia, and dad, Eric. None of them wanting to leave, but they had no other choice. They all slugged into the truck and I watched as they drove away. That was the day my best friend of 10 years moved 650 miles away to Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Four years later we still talk every day. I know all about her life and she knows all about mine. When we visit each other it is like nothing has changed. It is like she was never gone. I remember taking the 10 hour drive with her older brother and sister one break to visit her. She knew her siblings were coming, but I was a surprise. I remember getting there around 2 am and Tonia had to wake Erica up. Erica was moody and said it was fine she would see them in the morning. She was tired and just wanted to sleep. Her mom had to yell at her to finally get her up but when they came outside and I got out of the car a few moments after the other two, Tonia caught the cutest video of Erica just starting to bawl her eyes out. It was the most heart felt thing ever.
Freshman year of high school
If you have yet to catch on, the transition between my life before high school and into it was huge, a lot more than a larger school with harder classes. I became very depressed in the transition almost instantly. I began losing motivation in every area of my life. Friends. Family. School. My grades plummeted. Before I had been a straight A B student. Cs became average and a B became a goldmine where I was surprised if it struck me, it barely ever did. I think my brain started working differently because I began to have very bad memory and recollection of ideas, memories, and lessons. The worse I did in school the more punishment I received from my parents. The more punishment received the less motivation I had for work leading to lower grades. The cycle was endless.
The transition to becoming better did not come before I hit rock bottom. The breaking point when I hit lost the only thing I valued in life and the only thing that made me happy. The story follows
Much love& first love
Somewhere along the way around freshman year I met some really cool people who would turn out to be a group of my best friends. Eventually in our large group of friends a tight seven emerged to become closest. The seven of us did everything together. The three girls spent every moment together and the whole group would hang out every day on weekends and breaks. They were where I placed my happiness at the time. Fatal mistake. (Id soon learn not to place your happiness anywhere but in yourself)
we reached peak closeness as sophomore year rolled around. I did not want to be anywhere but with “much love” as we called our group. One particular boy in our friend group, Blake, had always been amazing to me. I had never had feelings towards anyone before. I had thought people were attractive or hot, but this was the first boy I had ever wanted to actually date. Right around thanksgiving he finally asked me out and my innocent heart gushed and of course said yes.
By the end of sophomore year they all would be gone. My depression was too much to take and Blake said I needed to focus on myself before I could anyone else with where I was at at that point. Looking back I very much understand. I was the titanic and asking him to please stay with me as I plummeted into the ocean. My friends became people I did not want to be around anymore. The breaking point was when I discovered a group message between the other three girls solely to talk bad about me. I decided to leave them all behind and start over. I knew it would suck, but my long term happiness mattered more than my comfortability for a little while
My best friends and boyfriend now gone, I felt naked. I hurt and mourned for a long time. I eventually started gaining more friends everywhere I went. Looking back now leaving that group was the best decision I ever made. I am surrounded by people who care about me. I don’t feel insecure anymore. I am confident with myself. I have grown a lot as a person and understanding who I am because of what happened. I am at peace with myself and reached a state of happiness I don’t believe I would have reached otherwise. I no longer am depressed and focus on doing the things I love. I am a much better person than before and am grateful I went through the situation I did.
In all these things are not who I am. These are the main key points in my life that have shaped and grown me to where I am today. Future blogs may have more of an insight to who I am in my opinion, but for now, these are the general summaries of events in my life to reach me to where I am now. I am blessed to have these experiences no matter how great or bad they were at the time or continue to be. I would be a very different person, one whom I do not think I would like as much if it were not for everything.