i never seem to stay

There have been countless times i have said this exact line

“we just grew apart”

to describe the reasoning for my distancinwith former friends. I guess it is true. But to me it seems more of a problem with the inability to settle or stay in one spot. I do not end these relationships with drama and a big bang. Instead i seem to slither out of them so that by the time they realize i am leaving, it is too late. I stay civil aquantinces with them all. I just need to move on to meet more people, grow close with others so i can grow myself.

These former friends will sometimes revisit me, years later, and it will always somehow come up “i dont know why we stopped being friends” theyll say. Ill softly chuckle and shrug as if i do not know either. But in all honestly i have a restless spirit. I cannot hang out with one person too much or for too long without getting bored. People get predictable. Life is predictable. So i also try to keep things away from that. I always want to be on my toes and always left guessing.

I have no desire for a comfy little settled down life. I want adventure, adrenaline, surprises. I am constantly changing, growing. I do not want to be held back from the world by others who do not share the same lifestyle as me, though i do love to learn and understand them. Some relstionships domt last long. A girl i recently became very close with has no self confidence and is always negative. I already find this relationship extremely mentally draining and am starting to part ways, only a month or so after we began to become really good friends. Other times it will take one or maybe even two years before i hastly get fed up and must get up and move on.

I do not know how i, myself, reflect upon this part of my self. I do not know if it is something i need to change, for it seems like i am reaching for never reachable happiness. It may even be seen as selfish. Yet i do not want to change it, for i then will be settling for a life i do not want. One that is mudane, repetitive, unchanging.

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